TWFC

I had planned to start this match report with - ‘AlMaher, Dave, JakeFlowers and JonF are currently doing better week on week in Tottenham than Harry Kane’. However, that great player got wind of it and stole my thunder by banging in a top level hat-trick at the weekend.

Back to our match. It was one of those affairs where we just went for it. Neither team could totally pull ahead and each time one side scored the other came back at them. Though, to be fair, the Muftis seemed to have a nose in front most of the time.

In our fixtures there are many participants, one that is at every match but is totally intangible is the score. It is something that is mystical and morphs depending upon who you ask. For example try asking Tim or Jorge when they are behind. This evening the score faded from our grasp. In a moment of uncertainty we were obliged to invoke the ancient pirate brethren rite of parlay. We are clearly not pirates but needs must.

The match paused. Parlay began.

Steve what is the score?

Steve: I do believe it is seven all.

From the opposing team?

Luteusmaximus: Yes it is seven all.

Gentlemen the score is seven all. Continue playing.

Parlay over.

And so the match proceeded.

As further goals were exchanged a deception was played upon Scott. On the edge of his area and defending a medium height ball Scott bent to head it away and in bending the ball brushed the top of his head. The opposition immediately claimed that by Scott’s own recently clarified rules he had committed a head height infringement punishable by an indirect free kick. The head height rule is at best confusing #head_height_rule (even Jorge wants it abolished) but on this occasion even I believe we took the proverbial amber fluid by demanding and winning such a free kick. A gentleman’s apology is hereby retrospectively issued to Scott’s team for the perfidious way that free kick was won. Thankfully it was not scored.

As we know the garden at the back is enchanted. Yes I know it is irresponsible and not a part of football to bang on about magical places as the nights are getting darker and Halloween approaches. But, if one has played long enough, it is noticeable that unexpected things happen at the garden end. This week, during a Bibs’ attack, a player cleverly fired the ball at the fence so that he or a colleague could collect the rebound. This is an age old move that has been done time and again over the years without incident. This time the garden end fence got its own back and ricocheted the ball straight into Scott in a region that would take the breath away from the most hardened of warriors. Like a mighty oak he was felled. As we are gentlemen the game stopped in reverence in order for players to offer sympathy and thank their own lucky stars. Scott joins Ben and Milo, amongst others, as players who have taken that painful ball and continued to tell the tale.

At around 12 – 12, sitting on the floor, for reasons best known to himself Luteus announced to Ben that he actually believed the score was wrong and their team should be two goals ahead. As parlay was over, Luteus was told by the opposition that his private ‘beliefs’ should not come into it and what was important was the ‘agreed’ score. Both teams remained deadlocked until 14 – 14, then in the last move of the evening AlMaher smashed home the glorious decider.

Match awarded to the Orange Bibs 15 – 14

Things to Note

· A panel of five needs to be formed to decide once and for all on the head height rule. We should take them to a public house and lubricate them until an acceptable form of words is agreed upon. Players past and present are invited to put their names forward to join the panel.

· There are eight match days left this year. Please book yourself on to fixtures now and finish 2015 with a flourish.

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