TWFC

Back to our home pitch this week. New nets, not just old ones patched up but new nets; a keeper's dream. Newly painted lines. An astroturf pitch cushioned with crumb rubber. Did you know that prior to 1966 Astroturf was called ChemGrass ? The rubber cushioning introduced a new continuum to the physics of our game which I will come to during the report.

Johnny blessed the new pitch with our first goal. A lone spectator took it upon himself to wind the hapless keeper up for not doing better, then he left. So we even had an outspoken fickle fan, all that remained was a close fought match, dissent amongst players, disputed penalty claims and hat-tricks then we would have a full suite.

AlMaher had been told to mark his brother Paddy as he knew him inside out and should be able to second guess him. With the Bibs 1 - 0 up and Paddy alternatively in goal and defence Al was free to work with Dave and JonF to level the score and then race to a 4 -1 lead.

For years our muscle memory had been tuned to a harder surface, one that did not give with each down step. Players felt the difference on the new, more cushioned, playing surface and even some of our fittest remarked on the energy sapping properties of the turf.

The Bibs harvested goals back. During this period of play Paddy ghosted away from his marker and slipped the ball under the keeper to clinically open his account with the club.

A through ball again beat the opposition leaving Scott to speed ever faster after it in the hope of collecting it before it reached the opposing area. Scott came within inches of getting the ball before, without slowing down, he collapsed in a heap on the edge of the area. Some onlooking players cruelly accused him of one of the most outrageous dives seen in recent years. One even asked that the match report record this as an egregious simulation. To set the record straight, it seems that the pitch cushions and absorbs the force from each down step then seems to release this stored kinetic energy, almost pushing a player onwards making it difficult to stop once at speed. Scott is exonerated of all charges, his good name immediately restored, and the record shows that he had in essence become the first example of the new physics of our pitch.

A further example of the kinetic energy return from the new pitch was Johnny speeding after yet another through ball. Again the player sped to try to get there before it entered the opposing area, unable to halt his momentum Johnny had to skip over the keeper and almost ended up in the net himself.

The Bibs were able to draw the match level and moved ahead to 6 - 5. In their desire to grasp hold of the match and put it to bed the Muftis were pressing up the pitch. Milo had explained in the past that teams 'do not like it up 'em' , an eye watering double entendre if ever there was one. During one such passage of play, with Johnny in goal Steve slid the ball back to him and Niyi shouted out from the other end that the ball had been played by the outfield player while it was within the area so it was a penalty . Both Johnny and Steve remained stony faced and silent, possibly relying upon the principle in law that no one can be compelled to bear witness against himself. Whilst these two nobly pleaded the Fifth Amendment other players agreed it was a marginal decision so there would be no penalty.

Absorbing the Muftis' attacks the Bibs set Paddy on his way to go one on one with the keeper. His first shot was blocked and the rebound ricocheted off of him into the goal to give him another goal. Niyi again demanded review as the ball seemed to have gone in off of an arm. Players determined that it was unintentional and no one should be penalised for an accidental or unintentional act. Mortified and deflated, the keeper summoned his inner Roy Keane and fell out with his patient captain JonF, team mates mainly Dave and anyone else who was listening. The match restarted and the ball fell to Scott who ran through the Muftis high line and scored a beautiful goal to help concentrate the Mufti's keeper. The Bibs were now ahead by three goals at 9 - 6 with time running out. The other team were arriving and juggling their ball in the car park.

Refocused the Muftis began to develop their plays from further back. Goals led to AlMaher bringing up his hat-trick and then Dave was set free to race after a ball that he got to on the edge of the area and slipped past the keeper. This proved that he was the first person to fully get to grips with speeding along the new pitch and pulling to a stop on the edge of the area. With the match drawn level neither team was going to accept the draw.

A next goal was scored and as Scott sped again on the attack for the Bibs the gate was opened and the match ended.

Final score Bibs 10 - Muftis 9

Match awarded to the Bibs.

Things to Note

Hat-tricks were recorded for AlMaher, Dave, JonF and Paddy after the match. Either Johnny or Scott or both probably got hat-tricks too but they weren't there to confirm this at the post match interviews.

From 1 August 2015 the price of matches is £22.50 per hour for centre members. When Johnny queried why we had been paying £30 the caretaker agreed to only take £25 off us this week. The study of football economics could be a beautiful topic.

So all in all the evening gave us everything we had hoped for hat-tricks, controversy, denied penalties, the added benefit of a pitch with go faster stripes and an impending 25% reduction in match fees.

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