TWFC

In the build up to the match players spoke of the Tottenham player Dele Alli’s 3 match suspension and wondered how he came to be in such trouble. With hardly any encouragement JonF confessed that to this day he often commits the odd quiet transgression himself. Players fell into silence as each seemed to recall JonF being in the vicinity those times when they had felt an ‘accidental’ foot, a body check or grab at their shirt. Suddenly the mild mannered JonF was unveiled as a possible master of the dark arts.

We kicked off with 4 v 4, both sides playing rush keeper, then moved to 5 Bibs against 4 Muftis when Milo arrived. The Bibs then moved to stick keeper and the agreement was made that a player would swap at half time. Dave, as the most senior player on the Muftis’ side, was advised to call nominal half time when he wanted the switch.

Knowing that it was to be a game of two halves Bibs players were told to score as many goals as possible in order to put daylight between the teams before half time. Playing alongside Danny, JonF plundered goal after goal with the precision of a man revitalised and reborn as a goal scoring phenomenon.

Milo and Steve played a high line in order to force the Muftis to sit in their own half.

With JonF scoring the goals for his team and Steve wading in too suddenly it became clear that Danny was not his normal goal scoring self. A master of controversial man management techniques the Bibs’ keeper began a chant to help Danny return to his true self.

Players who can remember the England v Germany 5 – 1 match in 2001 may also know the song that fans subsequently composed. The lyrics went something like:

5 – 1 and Emile Heskey scored. Hold that tune.

To help Danny the chant delivered at 5 – 1 to the Bibs was

5 – 1 and Danny hasn’t scored !

Steve had scored, JonF had scored several and Milo was believed to have weighed in too.

Off the ball an incident occurred, I missed it and we do not have action replays but the outcome was that players stopped and claimed an obstruction in JonF’s direction. JonF looked as if butter would not melt in his mouth. Players were adamant that an unacceptable off the ball infringement had been perpetrated. For the first time in recent history and possibly for the first time ever in our fixtures an indirect free kick was awarded for an off the ball obstruction. The Muftis did not score from the fee kick but we were pleased at our attempt to stamp out off the ball sharp practices.

By half time it was 9 – 1 and Dave was encouraged to consider the swap. Ever a gentleman Dave was reticent until the match was stopped on his behalf. Eddie01 assuming the role of vice-captain and team spokesperson advised his captain that the Muftis should take the person who had scored the most goals for the Bibs.

JonF was identified to join the Muftis. This was unanticipated.

Recognising Ben’s belief that defending the garden end is more advantageous than the car park end players also decided for the first time in recorded memories to switch ends at half time.

The match then recommenced with the Bibs attacking the garden end.

9 – 1 and Danny hasn’t scored !

The Bibs knew all they had to do was ensure that in the second half they did not lose by more than eight goals. Surely no team could let a 9 – 1 lead slip.

Unfamiliar with having to play with an extra man and stick keeper the Muftis were still finding their shape when Milo glided in and scored a tenth goal.

10 – 1 and Danny hasn’t scored ! I will stop the chant here as I think everyone has the picture.

The Muftis began to get their shape and pinched a goal back then suddenly the unexpected happened Danny scored.

11 – 2 and Danny’s finally scored (it is a different chant, same tune though)

The match from then on was end to end. Dave, Eddie01, JakeFlowers and Kaichan began to come alive and press the game forward. The Bibs adopted stick keeper with Steve sitting back and Danny and Milo pressing forward. The Muftis did not seem to know what to make of the Danny - Milo pairing which passed the ball around them and continued to score goals as if they had the extra man. The keeper sitting back allowed Steve to go on those mazy runs that eat up the yards and push the opposition backwards.

At 14 – 4 to the Bibs with Danny carving the Muftis open almost at will it became clear that he does things ‘not because they are easy, but because they are hard’. With Milo’s assistance players were taught the further lesson that each ‘goal will serve to organise and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win’.

At 15 – 7 the next team began to arrive. A lone player appeared at the gate and opened it. Seeing the intensity on everyone’s faces and knowing he had no mates to join him the player advised the fixture they could play for one last goal.

Everyone knuckled down wanting the pride of the final goal. The lone Muftis’ forward Eddie01 intercepted a pass along the back line and keeping his composure he steadied himself and banged the ball in to end the match.

Match awarded to the Orange Bibs 15 – 8.

Things to Note

First recorded free kick for an off the ball obstruction.
First recorded swap of ends at half time.

Let’s do it all again next week. Tottenham Wednesday FC

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Finally we end this match report on a hugely serious note with a picture that needs no words.

YNWA